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UNTOUCHABLE/ Politicians threaten if they are not voted out, the nation is traumatized!

2024-12-14 19:16:12Patronazhisti SHKRUAR NGA REDAKSIA VOX
UNTOUCHABLE/ Politicians threaten if they are not voted out, the nation is
Bella Ballukja, just out of the cage

TIRANA – Dark clouds are gathering over the Albanian nation as the 2025 parliamentary elections approach. The country's most prominent politicians, on whom all their relatives have pinned their hopes for a job, a tender, or in the worst case, a strategic investor permit, have made dramatic statements that have upset the nation, caused stomach upset, shortness of breath, and all sorts of discomfort in the toilet, from diarrhea to constipation, which is not the place to recount them here.

According to doctors consulted by Patronazhisti, these symptoms are understandable as receiving shocking news causes disruption of the bacterial flora.

Thus, people were initially seen eating sour yogurt to settle their stomachs, or drinking warm water with sugar, immediately after Të Gjati's declaration that he would leave politics and devote himself to professional basketball if his brother was implicated in the now-famous endorphin trafficking case.

"Mooosss! This black door didn't know how to play when he was in his prime, and not now! What will our ears listen to, oh great God," muttered dozens of short and medium-sized people, when they heard The Tall One.

***

It seems that the Tall One's promise has been interpreted as a threat to ordinary voters, those who have the same mindset as their parents, immersed in anxiety about the unknown, like when Comrade Enver died.

But meanwhile, the fact that the population is usually shocked by ultimatums of separation, departure, termination of relationships... you know, I won't knock on your door again... I'm leaving, you won't see me in this world or the next... you have nothing to do with me anymore... I won't let you see my face, etc., etc., comes out of apathy and mobilizes electorally, causing the Tall One's model to be followed by a succession of tall, medium and short figures, from the entire rainbow of Albanian politics.

Thus, the next ultimatum to the voters came from the Doctor, who solemnly declared that if he did not win the election this time either, he would return to one of his previous professions and immerse himself in private life.

"If I don't win, I say I'll go back to my job as an explosives engineer, along with my brigade, a group of guys from Mamurrci. We used to work well, we had a contract with KESH for blowing up power poles," the Doctor confessed with nostalgia.

Another of his backup professions, as the name suggests, is medicine.

"Yes, there is a possibility that I will even return to the operating room. I am in excellent shape, " said the 123-year-old former surgeon, who, like the scalpel, has skillfully used scissors to cut off the bourgeois-revisionist trousers of medical students in the middle of the road.

But in a moment of reflection, the Doctor began to think out loud: "You know what? I've also dabbled in trigonometry in my free time, I built pyramids with wads of money, and in the end I made a beautiful one with human heads. I could dedicate myself to pyramidology again!"

Just the idea that the Doctor could return to at least one of his reserve professions – let alone all three together – sent shivers down Albanians' spines.

***      

A special threat was also issued by the leader of his own party, Republican Mehdi Fatihu, who stated categorically that he was ready to return to the profession he never practiced, petroleum engineering, if the Doctor did not include him on the list of safe deputies.

"You know me, I can't stand being left behind for a little career, be it the late Sabri Godo, the founder of the Republican Party; be it the Doctor who turned 254; be it the American congressmen who I have thrown my donkey's brains at and who think I am the number 1 politician in the Balkans, " said Mehdiu, " therefore the time has come for the Albanian Republicans to have a deputy elected with Democratic votes. Otherwise, I bid you farewell."

But what shocked the audience the most and threw the health system in the country and the region into turmoil was the surprising decision of the true leader of the Democrats, Nul Moka, the one who pulls the strings of the party behind the scenes, allowing the Doctor to emerge as the leader.

"If we lose, I'm not saying I'll go back to being a doctor, " said Nuli, " but I'll give interviews with a white T-shirt and a stethoscope around my neck, so you don't know where I'm coming from!"

A committee of veteran doctors met after this threat and made a joint statement:

"The mere fact that Mr. Nul will figuratively appear as a doctor poses a great risk to our fragile health system. Patients will take over mountains; parents will pull out wool and hide their children among cousins, changing their names, real doctors will start taking drugs from stress, while nurses will commit mass suicide simply from the idea that they could theoretically work with Nul. We gathered this quick data from our surveys. So, put your hand on your heart and let Nul win."

***

A warning that sounded like a trip back in time was that of the socialist Klendi Kosi. He threatened that if he did poorly in these elections, he would return to his job as IT chief in Tos Nano's prime minister's office, at a time when the government had no computers and IT's job was to repair typewriters and replace broken light bulbs.

For his part, Defense Minister Pize Vengu declared that if he failed in his new political duty as head of the central committee for the Vlora District, he would return without delay to his previous commitment as a second-year high school student.

"I miss my friends," a tearful Vengu said, adding , "and my tutor." 

All these warnings were duly weighed by the Albanian electorate, which unanimously declared that the fragile balances of the country would be shaken if the aforementioned and their colleagues were to return to their former lives. Therefore, in recent days, a series of petitions by Albanians have called on the same Albanians to put their hand on their heart and vote for these guys to come to their senses.

"Stay where they are. We don't want them around," is the unanimous message.

***

The only case - or the exception that proves the rule - when Albanians not only were not intimidated, but welcomed with open arms the threat of leaving politics in case of failure, was Bella Ballukja.

The deputy prime minister, speaking as if she had cinnamon candy in her mouth, coquettishly threatened that if she did not become prime minister after the 2025 elections, she would return to her old job as a coordinator for the AMC mobile company on the famous intellectual-philosophical spectacle, "The Golden Cage."  

"Bravo Bella," the Patronage respondents said in unison, " or what's the point of that job! You're cut out for Kafaz."

Note: Patronazhist is a satirical column that does not threaten to return to its previous job, whether you vote for it or not!


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